Today I've told pirat3 that she couldn't finish the laundry she placed at my place. Yesterday I continued to put her on the spot where she couldn't be a friend of mine, and I put her in the same basket as the other people in the squat; basically see her as a manipulative opportunist. Though I hadn't until that moment, I think she is right about that, though. I've grown completely tired of her forever asking to be treated and made a princess, while the people are starving, figuratively speaking. The thing is, she's done so many nice and cool things and really gave a lot more color to my life, but I feel like I might overdose or finish all they crayons on a drawing I don't feel like finishing anymore.
I'm in doubt whether to give her a gift for when she leaves. I have cool Super 8 camera, mint condition Nikon which I once got for $5. It's something I want to use in the future, but since the moment she saw it she acted as if she was in love with it. Though she did the same with my other cool film camera, my Canon XL1, the one I use for the movie I'm shooting and we used for the filming of the festival. She told me she's making plans to film some underground weed growers in Russia when she gets back and wants to film it in Super 8. The thing is, I hope she'll succeed and accomplish her goals, and if I can help her with that, I'd love to. But I don't want to be left with a feeling where I feel played, played on my emotions, just to get her needs served, without actually caring about me as a person. I feel kinda heartbroken funnily enough.
The thing is I've maybe been in love with her a little, or I don't know, but I realize I deeply care about her, knowing it sometimes is taking too much of me. Kinda how my bad relationships were. So when I told her yesterday while picking up my angle grinder and bolt cutter at her place it felt like I was breaking up. I'm happy we never had sex, I don't know if I was right in feeling a certain tension between us, but I've always felt that I wanted to maintain my professional position towards her, since I saw her as a cool person to work with, and later I felt like she'd be a friend too. But maybe I'm expecting or asking too much too, like her.
It really hurt me when she told me yesterday we're not friends. Why would I continue to help her when we're not friends. I first thought to finish the help I'd offered her, but when I woke up this morning I felt the need to clean out the rats from my life, at least, the one that I could get rid of already. There are some more which I still need. The problem is that I'm fascinated by rat shit so much that I let them shit at my place, oh well, I can just get a bottle of bleach to clean the place, and if they bite some holes in my stuff that's fine too, it's just stuff after all anyway. They can't touch my art, that I'll never allow.
I'm asking my friend r0ts to compile all the footage of the festival into an after-movie, since I'm currently busy with other stuff in my life, such as making a fun movie about drugz. But I feel like I kind of owe it to the sick festival to wrap it up properly, but more comrades are always welcome so to outsource it seems like the smart move, plus pirat3 didn't like my editing anyway, maybe she'll like r0ts', otherwise she can just do it herself and "suck my clit" like she so often proclaims.
Sorry for this rant, it's not very interesting maybe, but I need it as a reference for myself when I need to look at myself in the past from the future.
Tomorrow I have planned to film a ritual planned with drugz and s3x, maybe m4z4l will participate too. I'm excited about the result and curious to the outcome. I'm listening to https://radiocc.xyz/ while writing by the way, really cool, varied stuff.
My eternal love,