Need space

Page 17 | 2020-12-06

My beloved ic3,

Tonight was a difficult but wise moment in my life. I had a girl over I met a few days ago when I was visiting my friend pnr4. It was that kind of meeting where it's immediate fireworks, you know you want each other so bad that you would want to take off all your clothes right that moment. But with pnr4 and her flatmates being in the room as well of course we didn't. Instead we had a long conversation that lasted until 8 in the morning, pnr4 and her flatmates had gone to bed by 3 I think. We decided to not do anything that night because of pnr4 being in the room next to us and I wanted to first talk to her, and actually also wanted to sleep with her instead of this new girl. Her name is s0p by the way.

That night, or morning actually, when I went to sleep pnr4 had already awoken, so we talked. I explained her the magic of that evening and how excited I was that I met a person this great, and that we probably would get together in the future. pnr4 was happy for me and was understanding, although she had to get used to the thought that my feelings for her weren't affected by this. We had sex after, and it felt really great, no longer limited or suppressed by the thought that it was obligatory, I truly felt free. Free to sleep with others, if I wanted to, free to emotionally develop me with others than prn4 too, if I wanted to. I had finally been able to communicate with pnr4 that I liked her, but didn't want to be exclusive; I hadn't told her explicitly this before because I hadn't felt the space to do so.

The next morning when I skated home I felt this immense feeling of freedom and joy and accomplishment. There were so many things to look out for.

So the day after, today, I met up with s0p. We planned to have dinner together but surprisingly didn't feel hungry so we chatted the whole evening again. The chemistry was still there and we started to kiss and cuddle. But it didn't feel right. She had told me about her personal issues and it had really pushed me away from her, emotionally. I had this picture in my head that when I'd open the door we'd just kiss and fuck and not speak but we did. The things she told me, and the way she told them reminded me a lot of my last ex. The possessive, controlling and manipulative psycho. Now that I think of it, it was a similar situation when I met her too, fireworks at first contact.

What makes the situation even more complicated is that s0p is currently living at pnr4's place because she won't have her own place until the end of December. So I came up with the excuse that I didn't want to create a painful situation when I'd be visiting pnr4 or when visiting s0p. But actually in the back of my mind I was thinking ABORT ABORT ABORT. And as soon as I let it slip that it wasn't just the situation with her living with pnr4 currently but that it was also personal she immediately adjusted her take on it and gave me space. Maybe she's not controlling after all and I'm just a paranoid fuck but it felt like plan of her strategy. I'm not good at putting it into words I realize but she gave many signals of being an obsessive bitch. She was too sweet, too forgiving, but sometimes let her veil slip and really stung.

Some things on the top of my mind that bothered me: she didn't think of a transport home, trying to push me into having sex, talking bad about pnr4 and her roommates for no real reason, everytime when she had to leave extending it with a few minutes, switching mood very suddenly, admitting that she stalked me on Instagram and Facebook, revenge plans she told me she had in mind for her ex.

To be fair, I wasn't lying when I told her I needed sleep, and couldn't make any clear decisions at the moment. I felt tired before she even arrived. Maybe with some sleep I'll look at the situation differently and more rational but right now I'm glad I went with my gut feeling because it felt like I would be sticking my dick in a hornet's nest.

About the film; I made a really nice poster but put the editing still on hold. Not because I need to film more since drugz and sex are now both in Portugal and there's no chance we will film more, but because I'm just tired of sitting behind a computer. Maybe I'll soon switch to a physical version of you too actually, instead of this online thing. I'd have to get a typewriter, though. I should uninstall all games again too...

Speaking of tired, it's already 2 AM and tomorrow I want to do a lot of stuff. I have to avoid to get a burnout, I realize. So tomorrow I'll visit pnr4 to talk about an event we want to organize and design clothing with her. I'll also tell her about my evening with s0p probably; oh that's another thing: s0p tried to talk me into not telling pnr4 about this evening. There's something that just doesn't feel right, and I should really follow my intuition. I feel like I can trust pnr4, but I should call my friend m4z4l because I can trust her the most with these kind of things.

Talk to you soon,