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Page 20 | 2020-12-30

Dear ic3,

These past nights have been filled with very lively dreams. Last night was the first night I spent at my friend m4z4l's place. Her apartment has a view on a cozy looking rooftops and a big cathedral, there are some treetops too. To sleep in this other bed was nice and the night was very quiet here too which is why I'm surprised I woke up in the middle of the night, feeling fully awake; it must've been the dream I was having.

I dreamt about friends from the past. Or rather, I've known them for quite some years now but we've lost touch, mostly because my ex was the binding factor in the first place, but also the solvent when we broke up. They used to have a hangar in which they organized exhibitions from time to time, which was very cool. In this dream I had they had one too, but bigger, darker and dirtier. They had abandoned it and had moved on to the squat I've told you about before, the one I hang out in from time to time. In the waking world they've abandoned this squat too and left it for the rats, for friends like drugz and s3x, but in the dream they were still hanging out there. I went to visit the hangar, and while wiping flies from my eyes who tried to lay their eggs there I found a catalog midst all the trash and rat shit. It was the exhibition catalog of their last exhibition, mostly in yellow, gray and white. I tried to find my own name in there since I had forgotten whether I exhibited there too, that edition. I couldn't find it, but I was a little repulsed by the ego of the organization, my friends, since I see them doing the same as I do, but with less wit, or appreciation of the treasures they have. Later the hangar in the dream turned into a set of a film by Gregg Araki and an after-party for said film. The place was trashed and I was lost, lost my bike too.

When I woke up I feared I had wet my bed, it was soaked, but it turned out to be sweat. It'd have been the greatest humiliation thinkable to wet a stranger's bed. There was a vague memory of the fire of a lighter scorching my nose while lighting a cigarette but I wasn't sure whether that had woken me up. m4z4l would say that morning when telling my dream to her that Freud would say I was feeling guilty for smoking that cigarette with her the evening before.

I managed to fall asleep again and the dream continued. Or at least, I found myself in the same world again. I was on the street, trying to find the hangar again, and my bike too. Found it eventually by following one of the people who organized events there in the past, though he ignored me (sort of how he treats me in real life too). Inside there were two of the others who organized it in the past, I'd consider them friends, I guess. They were both libra, but the thing is, I know only one of them is libra, so was this person I saw talking actually myself? (I'm libra). They were talking about how the place, the hangar had to be abandoned because the owner kicked them out, they had been renting the place on an anti-squat contract (this means that the place would be demolished in the future but was rented out for cheap to prevent squatters entering the building).

The event I'm organizing by the end of January is in an anti-squat place too, I found out recently, and I've struggled with that idea a little, how to handle it, since I'm pro-squatting.

Anyway, the guy was talking that it was a logical step to go squat, after they had to abandon the hangar, but in my eyes it had turned them into false prophets in a way.

I realize that these entries about dreams are very vague; they're not for you to understand, just for me. I'm still trying to find a way to live live according to my ideals, and not give up to easy ways. I'll get back to you when I understand more.

Never (permanently) lose yourself in the concepts of someone else because you lose the grip on your own concepts